Sunday, April 7, 2013

A New Journey

When I started therapy a little over a year ago my main concern (aside from the depression) was that I always felt detached from myself, like I was floating outside of my body was dispassionately watching as my physical form interacted with the world around it.  I felt like I was going crazy (a physical crazy, like Alzheimers or something).  She told me that what I needed to do was start being more mindful, walked me through an exercise, and gave me some great tips on how to reconnect with my center.

A year later, the stars lined up enough and the numbers foretold of a year full of new beginnings for me.  I'm feeling mentally healthier for the first time in years.  I'm also off of my medication.  I'm not perfect by any means, but I have some new skills that help me get through the day.  I also still see my therapist at least once a month.

Now that my mental facilities are on the right track, I started to notice that I was getting physically unhealthy.  Fat, yes...but I don't have a problem with my physical least, I never used to.  I started to notice I was having problems breathing at night, my hips would hurt when I sat too long, my back would scream in pain when I'd walk the dog, and most of all...I couldn't walk for even short distances without getting out of breath.  Not being able to walk places woke me up.  I'm a walker, I always have been.  I did a bit of running when I was younger but running makes you move too fast and you miss things.  I like to walk because it allows me to pay attention to what's going on around me.  I can watch life happen instead of run past it.  Depression took that joy from me and my weight has become an obstacle in my recovery.

So it's time to do something about it.  I've spent the last 3 months psyching myself up for change.  I'd do a little bit here and there but nothing major.  Nothing that would shock my body so quickly that I'd just give up.  I found a wonderful YouTube Channel that reminded me of my Army exercises - ThePentagonChannel.  They have a series called "Fit for Duty" and it was perfect because they had a Basic Step Aerobic video that was just my speed.  However, after doing this workout a couple of times I realized I needed something more, so I did research....a lot of it.  I read product reviews and success stories and watched interviews and infomercials of several products but the one that kept coming up was P90X.  

P90X is intense, and for an fat middle-aged woman who's activity level is beyond sedentary, it scared me a little (ok, a lot!) and it's far out of my price range right now (roughly $120 with options for more).  So I tried to find something that was at my intensity level and price range.  In my search I came across this page which gives the pros and cons of P90X and this thing called Power 90.  Power 90 is how P90X (Power 90 Extreme) got it's start and, according to that webpage (and a couple of others I looked at but have since lost the links to), Power 90 is where you should start if you're as out of shape as I am.  I checked the price (roughly $70 with shipping and handling), watched some testimonials, and decided to order it. Here's a link to a video about Power 90 that is on that last webpage I talked about (it's a popup video).

I got my package yesterday and spent the day reading through everything.  This is the first time I've actually took photos of what my body looked like.  It really disturbed me because I had an unrealistic view of how I looked (I thought I could still fit into size 7's even though I was in a 20).  I've posted a couple of the photos below to help motivate me.  I'd love to have a before/after shot.  I started the workout today and will write about it in another post.

I want to be clear on one point.  I am perfectly okay with having a large body.  I am not doing this to conform to media standards that say I have to be skinny to be beautiful.  I am doing this because I got unhealthy.  As I said before, I have trouble breathing.  I can't even bring my feet up high enough to take my socks off.  That is why I'm doing this.  Fat is beautiful.  I'm just not healthy.

Weight: 220 
The irony that my weight is equal to my birth date is not lost on me.
I refuse to put on any more weight.

Don't mind the clothes on the ground they are donations for Goodwill.  Ironic that I'm taking a "before" photo with clothes that don't fit anymore?

The one spot on my body that I don't like, my upper stomach.  Explain to me how it can be so much larger than my gut.

Knowing you have back fat, and seeing the back fat are two different things. 


Jen said...

You can do this, love!
Getting your healthy self back is a great gift to give yourself.
Again, I know you can do it, and I will be here to cheer you on anytime you feel like you can't!!!!!!

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