Sunday, August 19, 2012


They really make everything better...but I don't have any.

Okay, here's the update.  I finished one paper and got a B in that class (yay me!).  This other paper is screwing with me.  I've got about 1/2 of it written and only 2 days left to turn it in.  My depression has been kicking in hard and I've been sleeping all day for the last couple of days.  I haven't gotten anything done.  Right now I'm supposed to be working on making connections - a road map if you will - and hopefully that will flesh out my paper more.  All I can think about is everything except writing my paper.

I'm having a conversation on Tumblr with a follower.  It's nice and not at all productive.  I'm thinking about washing dishes (at least one load), doing laundry (there's so much), folding clean laundry (because I need the empty basket for the laundry I'm thinking about doing), and eating a very delicious sandwich.  I'm also watching 30 Days of Night and justifying it to myself because it's only 7 eps and they're only 4 mins long...which makes me want to break out some movies I bought awhile ago and watch them, or watch another ep of The Mentalist (I'm still not sure if I like it yet), or rewatch Doctor Who or series 4 of Torchwood or another ep of Sherlock.

I'm so screwed right now.  I think I'll finish the 30 Days of Night since they're short, make that sandwich and work on a paragraph.  I told Vic I'd have something for her to edit tomorrow while I'm sleeping.  I just hope I can shake myself out of this long enough to do it.

Friday, August 10, 2012


For the first time in a bout a year I feel gratitude and a level of peace.  As I sit here writing this I am feeling happy.  Every obligation that I had for the day is done.  I am in my pajamas in a cool apartment sitting in a comfy chair while on my computer with stable internet connection.  My legs are not shaved - but I bought new razors.  My headache is gone and we have plenty of food in the kitchen from grocery shopping today.  I'm getting ready to watch True Blood episodes until bedtime tonight and I'm playing spider solitaire while the show is buffering.  Oh yeah, I also get to sleep in tomorrow.

I feel so fucking amazing today.

PS.  I turned in a paper yesterday and my professor turned my I into a grade....I got a B. <- best news ever.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Depression is Humiliating

Depression is humiliating. 

It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.

Depression is humiliating.

If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.

Depression is humiliating.

No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.

— Pearl

I saw this quote on Facebook today and it really hit home. I have been through every last one of these things (except the suicidal thoughts) and I've felt so lost. I know I wouldn't have made it through any of this without my friends and family and of course the drugs.