Monday, January 16, 2012

Giving myself permission to love

I have two boys. Devon is 16 this year and Aidan is 11. Devon has had a string of girlfriends since the moment he popped out of my vagina. I've always told him not to tie himself down to one girl with the thought that he was young and needed to enjoy everything out there before he got stuck in a rut (plus, I was hoping that this freedom would help him focus on more important things such as school - I've not had much luck with that aspect lol). I have told him to enjoy having more than one girlfriend at a time, that there was nothing wrong with it as long as each girl knew about the other. This comes from past dating experience. I can only say that I've dated a few people who were already dating/married to someone else and I would have liked to have been able to have full disclosure before getting into relationships with them.

I've only recently realized that I've been promoting the poly lifestyle for him. It wasn't a label I was trying to fit onto him, it just seemed natural to me that a young man trying to find his way in life would benefit from that relationship style (I would feel the same if he were a girl). And yet, with all this poly fostering of my son's relationships, I've never considered that it might be okay for me (until about a month ago actually - around the same time I came out as a lesbian).

I guess I had to break out of the societal box of sexuality labels before I could honestly start to evaluate who I am and what makes me happy. It also gave me more complete closure for my last serious relationship. I couldn't believe that he could love me and her at the same time, it just didn't compute in my brain. Granted, that wouldn't have kept us together (there were a few issues that he perceived as unfixable in us) but it did help to ease the bitterness that still lingered even after all this time.

So now I just have to start allowing myself to flirt with women and to see them as sexual beings outside of porn.


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