Monday, January 16, 2012

Giving myself permission to love

I have two boys. Devon is 16 this year and Aidan is 11. Devon has had a string of girlfriends since the moment he popped out of my vagina. I've always told him not to tie himself down to one girl with the thought that he was young and needed to enjoy everything out there before he got stuck in a rut (plus, I was hoping that this freedom would help him focus on more important things such as school - I've not had much luck with that aspect lol). I have told him to enjoy having more than one girlfriend at a time, that there was nothing wrong with it as long as each girl knew about the other. This comes from past dating experience. I can only say that I've dated a few people who were already dating/married to someone else and I would have liked to have been able to have full disclosure before getting into relationships with them.

I've only recently realized that I've been promoting the poly lifestyle for him. It wasn't a label I was trying to fit onto him, it just seemed natural to me that a young man trying to find his way in life would benefit from that relationship style (I would feel the same if he were a girl). And yet, with all this poly fostering of my son's relationships, I've never considered that it might be okay for me (until about a month ago actually - around the same time I came out as a lesbian).

I guess I had to break out of the societal box of sexuality labels before I could honestly start to evaluate who I am and what makes me happy. It also gave me more complete closure for my last serious relationship. I couldn't believe that he could love me and her at the same time, it just didn't compute in my brain. Granted, that wouldn't have kept us together (there were a few issues that he perceived as unfixable in us) but it did help to ease the bitterness that still lingered even after all this time.

So now I just have to start allowing myself to flirt with women and to see them as sexual beings outside of porn.

My Own Queer Secret

I had a random thought the other day.  Sometimes I wish I could suck in my boobs the way I can suck in my gut.  It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that they are rather large and scream feminine.  There are days that I feel more masculine and dress accordingly but I don’t bind.  I don’t want to bind because it’s difficult and time consuming and can cause misshapen breast tissue if done often enough…plus I’m just too lazy to bother.  I enjoy my body and am happy to be a woman/have a vagina.  I guess I just think my boobs get in the way and aren’t necessarily a good representation of who I am.

I have a friend whose sister is battling breast cancer.  Her sister decided to have a double mastectomy right off the bat because her self image did not depend on her fatty tissue.  I can’t blame her. I know that if I had breast cancer I wouldn’t hesitate to get them cut off either as my health is more important that fatty tissue. I am not defined by my breasts and sometimes when I’m reaching for my ambiguity, I find it an impossible task with these huge knockers sticking out. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

May the speed be with you

I'm so tired, I really shouldn't be here right now.  I don't particularly have anything amazing to say...but it's been so long since I said anything here that I figured I'd just say something so that the blog doesn't die from ... crap what's that word ... neglect, yeah ... that.

I got a new computer.  It's boss (do kids still say that?).  It's a 23 inch, all-in-one, touch screen, desktop and can I just say that going from my 6 year old Dell Inspiron 1501 laptop to this ... is like going from living in a back alley slum with no food, no shelter, no clothes, nothing ... to living in Bill Gates' mansion with no preamble.  I mean...WOW!  You're probably wondering what was the first thing I did after I took it out of the box.  Well, I downloaded Chrome (I'd delete the IE that came standard except that I like having a back up in case of emergencies) and World of Warcraft, the two most important things.  After that, I loaded up some important bookmarks and then installed the Sims 3 (hey, I need a game to play when the interwebs are down...don't judge me).

What do I love most about my new computer?  Well the speed is awesome.  I did a side-by-side comparison of my old laptop and the new desktop.  I went to (this is a great program for storing files online.  It gives you 2 GB free to start with!), downloaded the program, first on the laptop and then the desktop.  Not only did I manage to download and install the program faster on my desktop but I had been able to surf the web for a couple of minutes before the program had even downloaded onto my laptop!!!

Sorry, I'm not trying to make this post all about this awesome new computer I got (I am actually...) but it's just so cool!  Oh, and how could I forget?  The graphics make me wet.  Okay, the graphics card is probably not even close to being top of the line but they might as well be compared to what I was used to!  There are only three things that I'm a little concerned about.  First, the mouse (it's amazing and I love it, I promise, but) the right button seems hard to press.  I'm not sure if that's because of the mouse size or just the mouse itself but time will tell.  Second, the CD drive is difficult to locate and open.  I'm also worried that it might break soon (it's a side-loaded drive and it seems to be loose...granted, I'm no expert on those things but when you can lift it up more than a few millimeters, I feel like I have room to be nervous).  Finally, the brightness...oy, my eyes!!!  I haven't figured out a way to dim the screen like I can with my Nook Color and it's starting to hurt my eyes.  If you can figure it out let me know, please!

And I just got sidetracked while on a quest for some pretty flesh to post on here which means it's bedtime for me!