Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Numbers Never Lie

I'm sitting here crying.  Why?  Because I just got off my ass and did something I'd been meaning to do for awhile...dust off my old The Complete Idiot's Guide to Numerology.  I knew that things in my life were going to change, I just wasn't sure what (numerological) year I was getting ready to enter in 2013.  So I looked it up cause I was pretty sure that I was due for a year full of beginnings - especially after the heaviness of 2012.

I'm crying because without realizing it I am looking at the last two days of a 9 Personal Year.  What is a 9 Personal Year you ask?  It's a year of completion, release, forgiveness, and transformation; a quieter year, a time to rest, but can be busy in the first half.  Yeah, I knew this was a 9 year.  All that heavy depression and loneliness I was feeling and talking to my therapist about.  I didn't have a very good 9 year cycle this last time, I mean it started out great...I lost 50 pounds and quit smoking...but after that, I didn't take care of myself and it piled up on me in the last year.  I spent 2012 looking for release of all this negativity and a way to forgive myself for everything.

It's the caution box next to the 9 Personal Year in the book that actually caused the tears.  It says "CAUTION: Sometimes, the 9 Personal Year can be emotional, because you're letting go of the old so the new can come in.  For others, the 9 year is a transformational year:  A large piece of their life story is healed or released, and with it, an end occurs."  Nailed it.

Letting go of the old so the new can come in.  
A large piece of their story is healed or released.

In 2 days I start my next 1 Personal Year.  A 1 year is an active year.  It is a time of new beginnings and planting seeds.  It is a time for me to focus on myself and, more than any other year, this is a time for me to become acquainted with the needs of my self.  I plan on having a pretty epic 1 year...and then following it up with an aware and epic 9 year cycle.

I'm hoping to journal more in 2013, either here or in my actual paper journal (omg, how shocking!).  Here's to a great year everyone!


Sunday, December 23, 2012

Just some feminist graphics I have on my computer







I found this while Stumbling today and I didn't want to lose it.
________________________________

“A Woman Should Have” – by Pamela Redmond Satran

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she’s content to leave behind….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to
retelling it in her old age….

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ….
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
how to live alone… even if she doesn't like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn't take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…
or a charming inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
what she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

Monday, December 10, 2012

It's December, Bitches

And I mean that in the most nicest way possible.  Promise.

November's 30 day challenge went well enough.  I had to shave my pits a couple of days early because my B.O. stink level was reaching critical mass for my sensitive nostrils.  I still haven't shaved my legs though.  December's 30 day challenge took some more thought.  I wanted to continue the success streak but I also wanted to increase the challenge level.  It was down to not drinking any soda for 30 days or not eating pizza for 30 days.  Both thoughts gave me anxiety attacks so I realized I had to rethink the challenge.  What I ended up being comfortable with was the no eating pizza for 30 days - this included ordering in, eating out, buying frozen, calzones, and pizza rolls.  Yeah, I set myself up for failure.  Good thing I realized this before December rolled around.  What I actually ended up deciding on as my December 30 day challenge is not actually paying for pizza (this is limited to going out to eat and paying for it myself and ordering in).  This particular challenge will allow me to succeed because it doesn't limit my frozen pizza intake (which is good and significantly lowered the anxiety levels).

I think January's challenge will be the no soda thing.  I'm going to have to start weaning myself now...I think this may be cause to increase my visits to the therapist.

Also, I've already figured out a great New Year's resolution:

Start the year with an empty jar and fill it with notes about good things that happen.  On the following New Year's Eve, empty it and see what awesome stuff happened that year!

Anywho, hope you have a great December.  Oods are I won't be back until next month...sorry I suck at blogging but feel free to stop by for a cup of tea and a chat.  I have tons to say!



Friday, November 2, 2012

It's Alive!!!!

Okay, well technically  I'm not an it....unless you ask our misogynistic media, but I don't have time for  that rant this morning.

What I really came here for was a quick update and some craziness.

Update:
Depression - still dealing with it but it's significantly more manageable.  My therapist thinks I've made amazing progress.  I do need to increase my medication a little though (I have to get my insurance straightened out first...long story [not really, that's just not the point of this post]).

Sex Life - still nonexistent, which is so very sad.  If you're interested, let me know.  We should talk.

Family - all still alive.  I got to see my sister for a couple of days (and a really good friend) a couple of weeks ago when I was in NOLA for a conference.

School - definitely do not have enough time to post about this, suffice it to say that I'm absolutely loving it.  I've decided, for certain, that I want to teach University and have started making inquiries into how to make this a reality for me.  I'll post more about this later.

Everything Else - is still there, the world is still spinning, there is still night and day, everyone I care about is alive and healthy, and you're still here :)

The Post:
Okay, what I really wanted to post about is that I just found out it was No-Shave November!  What is this, you ask??  It's a month full of no shaving (typically for men) for prostate cancer awareness.  I saw a conversation on Facebook between some male friends about it and decided that I wanted to join in also, because, I mean really, what female really enjoys shaving?!

On top of this epic month of being hairy, a friend of mine posted about how she had been soap and shampoo free for 6 months and was loving every minute of it.  Apparently her skin and hair were 10 bagillion times healthier for it.  I decided that since I wasn't going to shave, I might as well not "bathe" either.

So for the month of November, I pledge to you, that I will not shave my pits or legs in support of prostate cancer awareness AND I will not use any product on my skin or hair (except for conditioner).  I will also try to not take showers so hot I turn into a crustaceans.

I started today and my shower time was about 5 minutes.  My normal shower time is 15.  I'm also a shedder.  You know what I'm talking about.  My hair sheds all over the place.  When I wash my hair, I have handfuls of it after I shampoo.  There was no hair in my hands this morning (well, maybe a small amount but so insignificant compared to previously).  Already I'm seeing a major difference.

P.S.
Go Vote!!!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Cupcakes!

They really make everything better...but I don't have any.

Okay, here's the update.  I finished one paper and got a B in that class (yay me!).  This other paper is screwing with me.  I've got about 1/2 of it written and only 2 days left to turn it in.  My depression has been kicking in hard and I've been sleeping all day for the last couple of days.  I haven't gotten anything done.  Right now I'm supposed to be working on making connections - a road map if you will - and hopefully that will flesh out my paper more.  All I can think about is everything except writing my paper.

I'm having a conversation on Tumblr with a follower.  It's nice and not at all productive.  I'm thinking about washing dishes (at least one load), doing laundry (there's so much), folding clean laundry (because I need the empty basket for the laundry I'm thinking about doing), and eating a very delicious sandwich.  I'm also watching 30 Days of Night and justifying it to myself because it's only 7 eps and they're only 4 mins long...which makes me want to break out some movies I bought awhile ago and watch them, or watch another ep of The Mentalist (I'm still not sure if I like it yet), or rewatch Doctor Who or series 4 of Torchwood or another ep of Sherlock.

I'm so screwed right now.  I think I'll finish the 30 Days of Night since they're short, make that sandwich and work on a paragraph.  I told Vic I'd have something for her to edit tomorrow while I'm sleeping.  I just hope I can shake myself out of this long enough to do it.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Gratitude

For the first time in a bout a year I feel gratitude and a level of peace.  As I sit here writing this I am feeling happy.  Every obligation that I had for the day is done.  I am in my pajamas in a cool apartment sitting in a comfy chair while on my computer with stable internet connection.  My legs are not shaved - but I bought new razors.  My headache is gone and we have plenty of food in the kitchen from grocery shopping today.  I'm getting ready to watch True Blood episodes until bedtime tonight and I'm playing spider solitaire while the show is buffering.  Oh yeah, I also get to sleep in tomorrow.

I feel so fucking amazing today.

PS.  I turned in a paper yesterday and my professor turned my I into a grade....I got a B. <- best news ever.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Depression is Humiliating

Depression is humiliating. 

It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.

Depression is humiliating.

If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.

Depression is humiliating.

No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.

— Pearl
______________________________

I saw this quote on Facebook today and it really hit home. I have been through every last one of these things (except the suicidal thoughts) and I've felt so lost. I know I wouldn't have made it through any of this without my friends and family and of course the drugs.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Sickness

I has it.  Vic got a cold about a week ago and I was doing very well not to get it, but then 3 days ago my body started to fight the virus.  I've been overloading on water and vitamins for the last few days and it seems to be doing the job.  I did actually get sick, but it hasn't been too bad.  Yesterday was the miserable day and today I woke up with a slight cough and phlegm in my chest.

I went out and bought some B12s the other day since I can't take Phentermine any more while on Zoloft and I need some extra energy.  I started taking my multis again too so now I'm taking my Zoloft, a multi-vitamin, Omega-3 DHA, B12, and an extra vitamin C while I'm sick.  Today's the first day in a couple of weeks that I have any kind of mental energy at all.  Too bad I'm so physically weak that I get out of breath just folding laundry.  Yeah, I actually folded about 2 loads of laundry that had been sitting in the basket for about a week.  I couldn't hang up my shirts but I was able to put everything else away, and pick up the living room a little bit.  I was really out of breath after that.  I haven't been able to do anything else since this morning.

Another good thing, my sleeping has been completely out of whack...like insanely.  Last night I went to bed at 7pm (after having been up since around 10pm the previous day) and slept until 8:30 this morning.  It was really weird being up in the a.m.  My kids don't even know what to do with seeing me all day lol.  The plan was to watch some Doctor Who and get a shower, but as the day wears on I get more and more tired.  My body is using all it's energy fighting this virus and it's leaving me exhausted.  I'm going to stay up until around 9 or 10 tonight and then I'm going to bed.  Hopefully my sleeping will be back on track and maybe tomorrow I'll have the strength to shower and maybe even run to the grocery store.  That would be nice.

It'd also be nice to have money to make my car payment and the rent this month.  One thing at a time I guess.

Here's a pic of me and the cat from a couple months ago - Nov '11

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Checking in

It's been awhile as I'm sure you can see, and guess what...I'm still alive!  Not that you had any reason to doubt that, but I'm sure it's still nice to know.

Blogging is difficult for me because I spend so much time in my head.  The thoughts I think, and the life I live in my head can be so exhausting that I have no energy or desire to hash out my words or thoughts again - this is why I don't blog as much as "bloggers".

I'm on Zoloft now...a couple of weeks.  My dosage is going to have to get bigger, I can tell that...but I just want to say that I haven't felt this emotionally stable in months.  I'm starting to feel like I might actually be normal again.

On the thought of being normal....I've been having urges.  Very strong ones.  My body is screaming at me.  It needs to be healthy.  My body is telling me if I don't start to take my health seriously, it's going to start shutting down.  I can't ignore that anymore.  I'm barely 5'2" and I weigh over 200 pounds.  My circulation is poor, my blood pressure is too low, my joints ache, I have rosacia, unexplained sprained joints, and irregular sleeping habits.

I used to be active when I was younger...never a health nut by any means, but I enjoyed working out - it was my meditation.  I would go to the gym and lose myself in the sounds and the motions.  I don't even really enjoy running (I'm terribly slow) but I would lose myself in that too.  I was comfortable in my body both physically and mentally.  I want to get back to that point.  Hell, I want to get even just halfway to that point.

I downloaded an app on my iPhone awhile ago, and it has these pre-programmed workout sessions in it.  They're different intensity levels and have workouts for the pre-beginner.  I started one today.  To let my body know I heard it.  It was about 8 minutes (probably in reality about 6 without all the resting incorporated into it) and it was difficult for me...but I did it, and I'll do it again.  I also did some stretching on the floor today to help work out my hip tension.  I need to start spending less time on the computer....

I also grabbed a glass of water instead of soda.

I hear you body.  I'm listening.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

"Good Enough" is Okay.

I hate that phrase, "good enough".  It's like telling someone it's okay to not do your best, it's okay if you don't finish, it's okay to fail.  It's not okay to do those things.  You should always try your hardest, do your best, finish your task, succeed.  To be "good enough" is to be half-assed, to not be smart enough, or good enough.  I hate that phrase.

And yet, my therapist keeps using it in our sessions.  She keeps saying it's okay to be a "good enough" parent, daughter, friend, person.  Sometimes I hate my therapist.  But she's right.  I just need to re-define what I think "good enough" means.  So I've decided that for me to be "good enough" is to recognize my short comings and accept what I cannot do.  I cannot cook dinner every day of the week even though I believe that's what a good mother does.

To be "good enough" at cooking for me means to cook 2 or 3 days a week right now.

To be "good enough" at cleaning for me means to give myself 1-2 small chores a day so that I can succeed.

To be "good enough" at life for me means that I have to realize I can't do it all alone anymore....and I certainly can't do as much as I used to.  I'm not that person anymore.

Baby steps are the pathway to success.  Why is it okay for me to help my children succeed like this but it's not okay for me?  So this weekend I have been productive.  I fixed dinner last night, lunch and dinner today.  I even did dishes all weekend (hand washed them whenever there were dishes in the sink so we don't have to use the electricity for the dishwasher), cleaned the kitchen counters, and did the laundry.  Nothing major, I just did a little at a time....and I feel successful and happy and productive.

The chore list is up for tomorrow.  Vic has been helping out with chores and dinners which has been a big help (see, I just have to ask for help...).  She did the chore list for tomorrow for all of us.  My chores are to work on my resume for 20 minutes and read a book for school for 30 minutes.  Her chores are to clean her room for 30 minutes and walk the dog once.  The boys both have to go outside for 30 mins and one feeds the turtle while the other one dusts the living room.  Baby steps for all of us.  I think this could work.

Also, I made some more lists to go around the house and while I was in a hurry, I forgot a word on this list....

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Out of the mouths of babes

I swear I wish I had a camera following me around recording the conversations I have with my family.  I just had the best tucking-in-bed conversation with Aidan.  We get comfy and the first words out of his mouth are "Mom, what's a queer?".

Me: "A Queer person is simply someone that is different.  That's all queer means - different, odd.  Some people that identify as queer are -"
A: "AWESOME!"

I went on to explain in more detail and then after that part of the conversation he proceeded to compare the members of our family to characters on How I Met Your Mother.  It was quite humourous actually.  Here is the list according to Aidan:

Brother: Barney - except that Devon doesn't "hit it and run", he "hits it and stays awhile".

Aidan: Ted - but he's not as successful as Ted is and he doesn't grow a "breakup" beard

Mom: Can't be Lilly, because Lilly is married.  Can't be Marshall, because Marshall is married.  That just leaves Barney's bimbos and Robin.  I can't be Barney's bimbos because Devon (brother) never hit on me and I can't be Robin because Aidan never hit on me.  After a small deliberation, Aidan has decided that I am Barney's mom - "because she's compassionate and accepting".

Mama-V: This one took a long while for him to figure out and much deliberations between him and Victoria...the conclusion is that Mama-V is the beer in the bar because it "makes people laugh and holds them up".

I love the way that child thinks.

Early morning musings

I'll be going to bed soon...the earliest I've been to bed in over a week.  I just wanted to drop a few thoughts on here before sleeping though.  First, I wrote twice in my Sim blog tonight.  Writing those stories is kinda weird for me.  I feel like my Sims aren't talking to me as much now since I'm writing about their stories.  It's kinda like I broke their trust or something or they got stage freight or something.  Second, I've come to the realization that Victoria's boyfriend, Chris, is my girlfriend's boyfriend.  Weird, right?  Victoria isn't my girlfriend.  We're not involved in any way except friendship....and yet, we are.

After talking to her for a bit last night, we've come to the conclusion that we are non-romantical, non-sexual, domestic life partners...or just life partners for short.  Basically, we're the primary couple in a polyamorous family.  Thank god my kids are cool with all this!

I started wondering what would happen when I meet someone.  She'd have to be okay with being a part of our family, and there's no way I couldn't keep from comparing any future partner of mine to Victoria.

I've only had a couple of close female friends throughout my life - 4 to be exact.  Each of them different to each other and yet fitting into me like a puzzle.  At the peak of those friendships, never was there a question of what life would be like without them (for whatever reason).  Life would go on.  I would be sad, and heartbroken, but I would be (eventually) fine.  The kicker is this:  I can't even begin to imagine my life without Victoria....and we're not even having sex!

Anyway, that's enough thinking for awhile.  Happy Mother's Day! <3

Except that the gods sometimes split people into more than two pieces.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I am Sherlocked

I just recently started watching the new BBC series Sherlock.  If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend it.  They took the original Sherlock/Dr. Watson and stuck them in modern day and believe it or not, it works.


It seems that there are only 3 episodes a year, but each episode is almost 2 hours long.  I need more though, lots more.  Anyway, to the point of tonight's blog....I just watched the last episode available and during one of the last scenes with Sherlock and Moriarty together, Sherlock uttered the most epic of epics quotes ever said:





This is so perfect because it fits me 100%.  I've always identified with Sherlock (not the insane intelligence but the way he interacts with people).  Also, I've always championed for good but felt like I was wearing the black hat while doing it. This little fact has always made me uncomfortable because aren't we supposed to be good all the time?  I'm not even sure I can really put to words what I feel....

Let's try this...when I play any type of RPG (MMO or PnP), I always play some type of evil with Neutral Evil being my go-to alignment.  I've attempted to play good characters but they bore me (too much sentiment required) and never last very long.  In reality, I identify more with mixture of Lawful Neutral and Neutral Evil.  I do believe, however, that the birthing of children from my womb and their continued existence in my life keeps me anchored to a Lawful Neutral/Chaotic Good journey.

So yes, Sherlock's quote rang true for me because it affirms that I can be true to myself and still protect my family/be a good role model.

Warning:  It's after 4am and my brain is almost complete mush so I won't blame you if this doesn't make any sense, plus I don't think I've ever really articulated it before.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Warm Fuzzies

It was a very long day, and I'm still not in bed.  I'll be going after this post though - I can barely keep my eyes open.  I got to spend some time with some of my classmates  this evening though and it was really good to have that human connection.  As much as I hate being around people, I can forget how comforting it is to be around good friends.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that everyone tonight was a lot closer to my age than the people I'm used to hanging out with.  The boys even had a good time <3

I'm about to pass out here so I'll just give a few notes before I go to bed.  First, the Sound of Fury documentary really pissed me off.  Not the film, but the grandmother.  She was so hateful that I wanted to punch her in the face. Second, I went to my old MySpace page to find a photo from the Georgia Aquarium to use as my Facebook cover photo and I found my old "About Me"section.  It made me smile so I had to share it.


This just made me feel better.  I found an old "About Me" thing that I wrote about 6 years ago and I had to smile.
______________________

About me:
"There is nothing like returning to a place that hasn't changed to see how you, yourself, have altered." ~Nelson Mandella

I am not perfect. I do my best on a daily basis ((some days are better than others)). I struggle with my downs and I over-inflate my ups. I've stolen and lied and slept around and technically have even committed adultery.

I'm addicted to tattoos. I think each piece of art placed on my body tells my story at that point. As I grow and learn so do they.

This is the photo that caused me to shave my head
I have holes in my ears, loud opinions, strong convictions, absolutely no tact, a driving need to help people better themselves, undying love for my family and friends, a strange love of calculus, and an open mind.

I am selfish, unforgiving, overly dramatic, rude, crude, obnoxious, stubborn, emotional, lackadaisical, facetious, mathtabulous, mathalicious, and sometimes even quixotic...but no matter what, I'm always me.

I can devour books in one sitting, laugh for no reason at all, sleep for 2 days straight, re-live my high-times completely sober while I describe my search for the ultimate cotton mouth, throw up when I think about smoking again, inhale an entire bag of chocolate chex mix, find pure joy in Pi and ignore all of my shortcomings so that I continue to live in my bubble where everyone but me is flawed.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

This...

Because I will never not cry when I hear her sing this song.

Because there are no other combination of words in the English language that together can even come close to expressing how I feel about my children.


Lighter Load

Today was healing.  
My heart is mending.  
Eyes are crying.
The wind was blowing, blowing, blowing...
Her soul danced.
~ATC, 5/5/12~


Two posts this month, I'm on a roll!  Actually I just wanted to say how utterly free I feel today.  I'm not exactly sure why (well yes I do, I no longer have the stress of school looming over my head anymore for a couple of months).  I didn't even get to sleep in today!  But I was productive, and I did some healing.

Victoria pushed me to blog my creative expressions (I have amazing Sims stories).  I have these stories in my soul somewhere and as I get lost in the Sims, the stories unfold.  I tell them to Victoria and she's always telling me I need to write them down but I've never been able to write like that.  If I could tell my stories and then have someone else write what I say, that'd be amazing.  I'd probably "write" a shit-ton of books LOL!

Regardless, she pushed me and since I had time (and she gave me the name of the blog "The Sim-ple Life") I decided to try.  It was difficult.  I wrote and wrote and wrote, then deleted and repeated 5 or 6 times.  Nothing I did felt right.  I wasn't telling my story, I was writing a book - there's a difference.  I finally decided just to write it as I told it without any fancy bells or whistles, and once I made that decision it flowed like an un-damned river.  The feeling I felt while writing was hard to describe.  At some points I found myself trying to shorten the story and get to the end but I had to stop because Alexia (the sim I was writing about) wouldn't let me tell her story incompletely, so I kept writing.

In the end, the story was long and I was (and still am) completely drained.  Alexia's story is my first "serious" story.  Up until this point, all my Sims' stories have been ridiculous and silly.  I feel like writing that story was cathartic for me even though it wasn't mine.  Anyway, I plan on updating it every once in awhile (a few times a week), whenever a story needs to be told.



In the meantime...tomorrow is Victoria's graduation and I'm so proud of her...I can hardly breathe.  I know I'm going to cry and I hate that I feel so weak when I do, but who cares?  My girl is getting her Bachelor's degree!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Letter to My Father

 [Child Abuse Trigger Warning] 

I'm 36 years old and I am a survivor of child abuse, both physical and mental.  I've managed to survive all of these years (with a lot of mistakes) because of my super-human ability to forgive (and the fact that my father lives several states away and we hardly talk).  Recently he posted a picture on Facebook (yes, I am friends with my family on Facebook) of a little girl, who couldn't have been more than 5 years old, with bruises all over her face.  His comment on the photo said:
I don't understand how someone could do this to a child.
36 years old and I've never been affected by triggers of child abuse.  Not until I saw those words from my abuser.  I was sitting in the parking lot of my son's school when I saw this and I literally lost my mind.  Thankfully my sister was able to talk for more than a couple of minutes which allowed me to calm down enough to drive home.

I talked to my roommate about what happened and how I just wanted to comment on this picture and say:
You're a fucking hypocrite.
She told me to do whatever I wanted, but that I should give him a chance to respond first and to send him an email.  Then, if I don't get the answer I need I can post whatever I wanted...I just had to give him a chance.

So I sat for a few hours and hid in the Sims - the only place I can go lately that allows my mind to numb enough that I'm not crying every 5 minutes for no reason (due to the current depression).  After awhile I sent him an email, and let me tell you...once I started, it all came out.  So here is my email to him and if you read on, I'll tell you what happened after (names have been edited out).
______

Daddy,
I've been thinking about what to say in this email for the last 5 hours and frankly the only thing that I came up with was to make sure that I was calm when I wrote it.

I love you, even after everything we've been through, all the pain, the lies, the blame, the neglect...all of it. I love you because you're my father. You made a decision to accept me into your life and you didn't have to. For that, and all the other positive messages (intentional or not) that you gave me over the years, I am eternally grateful. I have also forgiven you for everything. Not because you deserve forgiveness, but because that's how I survive. You need to know what forgiveness means for me.
I forgive everything you did to me, but can't give the same forgiveness for what you did to my brother and sister because it's not mine to give. One forgiveness, given for an entire past, that means I can move on with my life and not carry any of the guilt or blame that comes with being a victim of abuse.

This forgiveness does NOT mean that I have forgotten or stopped holding you accountable for the physical and emotional damage you did to me. Nor does it mean that the pain or scars from the abuse are gone.

In order to keep healing, I have to make sure I'm honest about my feelings. So here it is.

I can't even begin to comprehend why you would think it would be remotely okay to post a photo of a little girl, obviously a victim of abuse, and then to say "I can not understand how anyone can do such to a child. So very sad." If you don't understand, perhaps you mean you don't understand how YOU could do that not just to me, but to my brother and mom (not to mention the emotional damage you caused my sister). I can accept that. But you have to know that I have been victimized all over again by my abuser, 20 years after my abuse. You are a hypocrite. The comments on the photo were appropriate responses against child abuse, and what makes me sick is that your friends and wife think you share their same views....that you would never do that. What would they think of you if they knew the truth?
You took away my voice and trivialized the pain I went through. You spit on my scars...scars that I wear proudly now because they show me as a SURVIVOR....but in one moment, you attempted to steal that from me.

I want you to remove that photo and NEVER post anything about child abuse again.

I want an apology for all the times you beat me with whatever was handy, for breaking a broom across my body, for breaking my bones, for all the bruises and tears you inflicted on me, for every time you lashed out at me because it was convenient and I was near, for all the ridiculous expectations you had of me, for every time I was happy and relived that you beat on my brother because at least you weren't hitting me at that moment, for teaching me the only way to express anger was to hit and yell and demean, for all the times I took that lesson and hit my brother and sister, for that lesson being so deep that even after years of therapy it caused me to hit my own baby and justify it by saying that he should have done what I said, for making me see you beat my mother, for making me watch the life drain from my mother's face when you tried to choke the life out of her, and for failing to live up to your promise as a father to protect me and keep me from harm.

Most of all, I want you to acknowledge what you did. I want you to stop lying to yourself about what happened. I want you to admit that you beat the crap out of your children.

I won't be your victim anymore. I refuse to be caught off guard by you again. So here's the deal. If you can't do what I've asked, I will be done with you. As much as I love you, I love myself more and I still have some healing to do. I will give you two days to decide if you are capable of this. If not, I will not be resentful or hold a grudge. Some people just aren't capable of that kind of honesty. But I won't talk to you any more. I will un-friend, ignore, and block you on Facebook. I will lose your phone number and address. I will no longer speak your name to my children. I will remove you completely from my life. Not because I hate you, but simply because I love myself.


If I don't receive your response by April 2nd I will assume you were unwilling or unable to do what I've asked. No explanation necessary.


Love,
Me

I still cry when I read this email.  I told my mom about it and she was shocked that I'd actually sent it to him, but I couldn't not hit send.  He replied (a shock to me, I didn't think he would) and I've been debating on whether or not to share the replies here but it is important to me that you know the whole story.  There were 3 replies and after the last one I didn't feel the need to continue the conversation.  I sent this email thread to my mother and she is able to finally start healing.

________

Sweetheart, I have read your post 3 times. I am still trying to digest parts of it. I am so sorry you are hurting still. I made a lot of mistakes trying to raise three children alone. I was angry at your mother for leaving us and not helping when she lived just up the street, I wasn't angry with you. I drank a lot  no excuse, I just did. It was my way of handeling it. You will always be my daughter. I fell in love with you when I first saw you in Italy, and nothing has changed my feelings. I am sorry for taking my anger out on all of you. I can't change the past.


Do what you think you have to do, but don't ever doubt that I do love you.

Dad

PS: I don't know how to remove anything on Facebook. So help me if you want.
______

Daddy,

I don't want to lose our current relationship, I just wanted an acknowledgement of my pain, for you to not disregard it by lying to other people about what happened, and for the long awaited apology. That's all.

I've been going through a very difficult time emotionally and I'm sure that's why I had more to say than a simple "I don't appreciate what you posted", for that I apologize. I meant everything I said, though I probably could have said it in other ways.

Me
_____

Sweetheart, I do understand. I am not proud of many things I did in my life. I should have found help in understanding myself many years ago. I didn't. That's my fault. Unfortunately you , and the rest of my family suffered. It was my fault. No excuses.

I love you. As I said before, never doubt that. I made so many mistakes I can't begin to count them. I spent more than 20 years in the military (agaoin NO EXCUSE) but I didn't know a thing about raising children. Without your mother, I was even more lost.

I can't change the past, as I said before. It doesn't mean I don't feel, or hurt, or underrstand.

I am so sorry, If I caould bear your hurt I would.

Dad
_____

I'm sharing this for 2 reasons.  First, to continue to heal I can't hide from the abuse anymore.  I don't need to shout about it from the rooftops, but I do need to acknowledge it happened and is very much a part of me.  Second, I want you to know that it gets better.  So very much so.  Standing up to your abuser is so empowering and healing, whether you were a victim of abuse, bullying, rape, or something else.

Find the strength within to forgive yourself - because, baby,  it's NEVER your fault...and then little by little, take that forgiveness and give it to your abuser.  Not because they deserve it, but because YOU do.  YOU are worth it and no matter what you may think, you are beautiful and amazing and wonderful and there is always someone out there that loves you.  And if for one minute you might doubt that, just come here and I'll remind you.

I'll fucking love the shit out of you forever!

A healing moment.

I'm doing anything I possibly can to avoid doing the massive amounts of work I have to do in the next 3 days just to get an Incomplete in my 3 classes this semester.  I hate it.  I am not the type of person that gets this far behind.  I'm also not the type of person that gets so depressed she can't pull herself out of it...except that, apparently I am and have been since November of last year.  I realized what was going on almost 2 months ago and started getting help, talked to my professors and all that jazz.  The problem is.....I'm still feeling so f'ing overwhelmed at this precise moment that all I want to do is hide under my covers for the next 5 years and say "fuck school".  Which is so totally not me.  I love school.

Sorry, I really didn't want to turn this into a bitch session.  It bothers me when I read other people's blogs about how depressed/sad/upset they were/are.  I could never really relate.  I'd just say "So stand up and shake that shit off"....fake it till you make it and all that jazz.  But then it happened to me.  My roommate has been empathetic, my mother has been sympathetic, my son couldn't be bothered to give a shit.  And that is the story of my entire life in one line.  Sometimes, I truly want to punch him in the face.  Like, how in the hell did I ever spit out a child that is so fucking self-centered, judgmental, and privileged?

But then I remember what I hateful bitch I was to him as a child and that he spent the last 3 years with his father in another state learning things like: if you fuck up, even the tiniest amount, the world will crash down around you and you will be judged for the rest of your life for that one mistake; work is a necessary evil that no one really cares about because life is all about retreating into the computer games and tuning out the rest of the family; sexism is all just a big joke so laugh it up.

So when I say I haven't done the dishes or cooked dinner in 5 months because I've been too depressed to care if anyone ate and my 15 year old lashes out at me with a comment meant to make me hurt just as much as he does, I have to bite my tongue until it bleeds and shove my fists in my pockets because I refuse to be that person again...and in order to make sure he knows it's safe to feel what he feels, I will let him get things off his chest and lash out with his hurtful words and try to deal the best way he knows how - the way I taught him, so that I can teach him better....because I am better now.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Huh...

I exist in a liminal space.

I had the greatest intentions of spewing awesomeness from my fingers and making your life that much better....but then I started Stumbling...so here, I'm giving you a stone, cause bitches love stones yo.

<3

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Change is good...yeah?

Class last night was good and productive.  I was finally able to make connections within my thesis that I knew were there but couldn't articulate. So guess what the family sub-culture in women's prison and women in prison porn have in common?  They're both manifestations of the domestication of women in a gendered society.  This makes me more excited than you know.  Plus, it gives my thesis more clout....I won't just be talking about the "prison vixen" or porn (though I wouldn't complain about that), my thesis will now contribute to the conversation as all good Grad students should.

Now if only I could get through all this research...

Monday, February 27, 2012

Dude looks like a lady

I've been failing on the whole dating thing since coming out.  I'm not exactly sure why, although I'm sure a big chunk of it is because I enjoy staying in watching Netflix or reading.  I did however set up an account over on OKCupid.  My most recent email to a connection consisted of telling her that she "looks like Matthew Gray Gubler and he is a beautiful man" ... facepalm.  And this is why I can't get dates with the ladies, because I compare them to men...

I need help.

Tell me he isn't a beautiful man...too bad he has a penis. :-/

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Victoria Vantoch

Uh yes...I want her.  I wonder if Misha would share?


I'm in love with a stripper

Well, not really but the title seemed appropriate considering I went to a strip club for my 36th birthday.  Are you ready for this?  The name of the club is Fuzzy Holes.....hahaha, yeah...I couldn't make that up if I tried.  Vic and I went there after my birthday dinner and it was, interesting.  It was the first time either of us had ever been to one.  Also, we went on a Sunday night so it was empty...for about 45 minutes which is good because in that 45 minutes I was able to get comfortable with the idea of being there enough to walk up to the stage and tip all the girls...while getting ground on  (yummy!).  Also, Vic bought me something called a "See-Saw".  So what they do is bring you up on stage and sit you in a chair, one girl climbs on your shoulders from the back and the other climbs on your shoulders from the front and then they make a see-sawing motion for about 2 minutes.  After that's done, they take turns giving you lap dances.  Can I just say, the vagina in my face smelled like mellon..... *Drool*.  I tried to find a photo online but Google failed me, I also didn't get any photos of the birthday adventure.  Perhaps next time?

Anywho, I should have stayed away from Supernatural just a little bit longer.  I got obsessed like I do with every show I like.  I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse that when I discovered it there had already been 7 seasons.  It's been a couple of weeks and I'm finally wrapping up season 6 (which is all Netflix has at the moment).  Thankfully I've had no papers due (except the one for tomorrow) and I've only gotten behind on my reading (which is actually worse than it sounds).

The boys of Supernatural have me questioning my sexuality.  Yes, yes I said that.  Oh I know I still get hot for boys now and again so that's no big deal but, and here's the odd thing, I've been having dreams about meeting them.  Oh don't be all smutty, the dreams don't go there...but I definitely feel like I need them in my life.  So, let's get all psychoanalytical on this.  It comes down to one fact, I just need to get laid.  Yeah, my vagina is a sad lonely place lately.  Hell I can't even masturbate properly any more because if I kick the dog out of my bed long enough for me to scream along to the Philharmonic CD, he shits on the hall carpet...sigh.

So I know that the boys are just actors playing a role and the characters that they play have qualities that I find attractive, but I really need to get some pussy soon I might have to join the Misha Collins Wives Club!!!  Although, if his wife is hot I might do that anyway ;)


PS: just found out I have a milk allergy.  Hello Vegan me...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Giving myself permission to love

I have two boys. Devon is 16 this year and Aidan is 11. Devon has had a string of girlfriends since the moment he popped out of my vagina. I've always told him not to tie himself down to one girl with the thought that he was young and needed to enjoy everything out there before he got stuck in a rut (plus, I was hoping that this freedom would help him focus on more important things such as school - I've not had much luck with that aspect lol). I have told him to enjoy having more than one girlfriend at a time, that there was nothing wrong with it as long as each girl knew about the other. This comes from past dating experience. I can only say that I've dated a few people who were already dating/married to someone else and I would have liked to have been able to have full disclosure before getting into relationships with them.

I've only recently realized that I've been promoting the poly lifestyle for him. It wasn't a label I was trying to fit onto him, it just seemed natural to me that a young man trying to find his way in life would benefit from that relationship style (I would feel the same if he were a girl). And yet, with all this poly fostering of my son's relationships, I've never considered that it might be okay for me (until about a month ago actually - around the same time I came out as a lesbian).


I guess I had to break out of the societal box of sexuality labels before I could honestly start to evaluate who I am and what makes me happy. It also gave me more complete closure for my last serious relationship. I couldn't believe that he could love me and her at the same time, it just didn't compute in my brain. Granted, that wouldn't have kept us together (there were a few issues that he perceived as unfixable in us) but it did help to ease the bitterness that still lingered even after all this time.

So now I just have to start allowing myself to flirt with women and to see them as sexual beings outside of porn.

My Own Queer Secret

I had a random thought the other day.  Sometimes I wish I could suck in my boobs the way I can suck in my gut.  It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s just that they are rather large and scream feminine.  There are days that I feel more masculine and dress accordingly but I don’t bind.  I don’t want to bind because it’s difficult and time consuming and can cause misshapen breast tissue if done often enough…plus I’m just too lazy to bother.  I enjoy my body and am happy to be a woman/have a vagina.  I guess I just think my boobs get in the way and aren’t necessarily a good representation of who I am.

I have a friend whose sister is battling breast cancer.  Her sister decided to have a double mastectomy right off the bat because her self image did not depend on her fatty tissue.  I can’t blame her. I know that if I had breast cancer I wouldn’t hesitate to get them cut off either as my health is more important that fatty tissue. I am not defined by my breasts and sometimes when I’m reaching for my ambiguity, I find it an impossible task with these huge knockers sticking out. 

Monday, January 9, 2012

May the speed be with you

I'm so tired, I really shouldn't be here right now.  I don't particularly have anything amazing to say...but it's been so long since I said anything here that I figured I'd just say something so that the blog doesn't die from ... crap what's that word ... neglect, yeah ... that.

I got a new computer.  It's boss (do kids still say that?).  It's a 23 inch, all-in-one, touch screen, desktop and can I just say that going from my 6 year old Dell Inspiron 1501 laptop to this ... is like going from living in a back alley slum with no food, no shelter, no clothes, nothing ... to living in Bill Gates' mansion with no preamble.  I mean...WOW!  You're probably wondering what was the first thing I did after I took it out of the box.  Well, I downloaded Chrome (I'd delete the IE that came standard except that I like having a back up in case of emergencies) and World of Warcraft, the two most important things.  After that, I loaded up some important bookmarks and then installed the Sims 3 (hey, I need a game to play when the interwebs are down...don't judge me).

What do I love most about my new computer?  Well the speed is awesome.  I did a side-by-side comparison of my old laptop and the new desktop.  I went to dropbox.com (this is a great program for storing files online.  It gives you 2 GB free to start with!), downloaded the program, first on the laptop and then the desktop.  Not only did I manage to download and install the program faster on my desktop but I had been able to surf the web for a couple of minutes before the program had even downloaded onto my laptop!!!

Sorry, I'm not trying to make this post all about this awesome new computer I got (I am actually...) but it's just so cool!  Oh, and how could I forget?  The graphics make me wet.  Okay, the graphics card is probably not even close to being top of the line but they might as well be compared to what I was used to!  There are only three things that I'm a little concerned about.  First, the mouse (it's amazing and I love it, I promise, but) the right button seems hard to press.  I'm not sure if that's because of the mouse size or just the mouse itself but time will tell.  Second, the CD drive is difficult to locate and open.  I'm also worried that it might break soon (it's a side-loaded drive and it seems to be loose...granted, I'm no expert on those things but when you can lift it up more than a few millimeters, I feel like I have room to be nervous).  Finally, the brightness...oy, my eyes!!!  I haven't figured out a way to dim the screen like I can with my Nook Color and it's starting to hurt my eyes.  If you can figure it out let me know, please!

And I just got sidetracked while on a quest for some pretty flesh to post on here which means it's bedtime for me!